Here’s my latest on Eden’s Fresh Horses meme thingy. And can I just say I love how she says ‘true story’ so much. I have never met her but that small phrase gives me so much insight into her personality, I can just imagine her saying it. She reminds me of someone wonderful I once knew. True story.
Anyway, the question today is on the subject of how I know everything will be alright, that the world isn’t an asshole and things are just fine. Even when life is shit. I love this topic, it works for me, I can’t not write on it. I’m a big believer in destiny. That’s not to say I think everything is pre-determined and we should all just wait around for fate to descend, but I think everything happens for a reason. My great aunt Gwen calls it synchronicity. It makes itself known when stuff happens and you think, aah, so THAT was why it was like that. It also shows itself when plans come together, seemingly difficult tasks just seemed to fall into place without effort. Of course it’s equally present when things are shit tough and you find yourself challenged to the end of your capacities.
I always know everything will be alright. At least these days I do. But there was a time, most of my life up until my mid 20s actually, when I never thought anything would be okay. I was a pessimist and I wallowed in negative thoughts. I was never a worrier, but I was just very fatalistic about things and assumed that Murphy’s Law always applied and I probably shouldn’t bother putting in any effort because it won’t go my way. My attitude changed mainly thanks to a guy I used to date. Let’s call him Alex. That’s not his name. In fact it’s nothing like his real name. But if he read this he’d know I’m talking about him. Anyway we were together a good six years or so. He is one of these real positive, motivated types, the kind of person that’s always bouncing off the walls and up for anything. The sort of guy who is just as shit scared of bungee jumping as everyone else but does it so he can tick it off the list. The sense of achievement was always so important for him. Let me tell you a bit more about Alex. By the age of 23 he owned an investment property, had two degrees (including a law degree) and was earning and very respectable salary in government. He had also started his own business and had another two businesses in the pipeline. So yeah, an extraordinary mind for business and relationship management and an amazing amount of drive and ambition. He’d ring me at midnight and say, ‘can I just run this business idea past you?’ I’d be like, dude, it’s freaking midnight, are you for real?! That’s the kind of guy he was, always trying to squeeze a little bit more from every minute of every day (and night).
When we met (which is a whole other post in itself), we were both still at uni, although he was already working in government and finishing off his second degree. I, on the other hand, was behaving like a lazy, spoilt brat of sorts and relying on handouts from my parents which I spent on fast food, petrol and cheap alcohol. We were both 21. I had a job, but it wasn’t much to speak of, and I didn’t really care about it. I was cruising around, not making much of an effort at uni and still getting decent grades (which is what I always did). I think my attitude pissed him off big time, and he made it his mission to change it. Not that he really told me this, but I know that’s what he did. Let’s face it, I was never going to be like him, all bouncy and friendly and up for anything; I am inherently lazy, and I’m also more of a thinker (to put a positive spin on it). But slowly, over the years, things began to even out. We were such a contrast to each other, yet this was what worked. And this was why we needed to be together. At the time, when we were breaking up (which took over 18 months), I thought I’d wasted so many years. I wished I’d realised earlier just how incompatible we were and that we were never going to get married and have kids. But in fact our relationship as it was worked perfectly and was totally necessary for me to become who I am today.
These days, I’m the optimist. I always see the positive, and my husband is the ‘glass is half empty’ type. Anyway, the point of all this is not to say just how much my attitude has changed and what a huge difference it’s made in my life. What I really wanted to illustrate is that my now positive attitude, always seeing the way forward, is what reminds me everything will be okay. Even when shit really hits the fan, I know things will be alright. And how do I know that? Because everything happens for a reason and it’s never not okay. Even mistakes are necessary, they’re all lessons. Jesus, that sounds like a total wank, right? Yeah, perhaps, but I do believe it. When we moved house and it went from bad to worse, I found myself wondering whether we were meant to move at all, whether this was the Universe’s sign to me that I’m heading in the wrong direction. I still think that wasn’t arbitrary, that all those crazy things that happened and made our move so much more difficult were warnings and indicators of what was in store, but I know that our move itself was right because it happened.
I don’t know whether my attitude would remain steadfast in the face of true tragedy. Recently something really major happened that isn’t appropriate to mention on the blog, but I can safely say that my positive attitude made for a positive outcome, so I know there are some full on things that it will overcome. All I can do is keep seeing the positive and keep paying attention to the Universe and what is meant to be. Sometimes it’s hard, when I’m in a city I hate and know I don’t belong in, but I still do believe there is a reason for all of this.
Has this even stuck to the original question? Buggered if I know. Like most of my blogs, it’s pretty much a stream of consciousness, and reading over it again might mean it never gets published. I’m sure some others wrote some more interesting, relevant and poignant stuff. Go read it, over at Edenland. Click on the button below to find it.