The heart, it aches

I’ll be honest. The way that Mr Chewbacca and I ended up together was a bit of a whirlwind; pretty quick, too quick for some probably. At the time, I was about to turn 30 and he’d turned 34 at the beginning of that year. At some level, I think we considered ourselves old and we were both pretty clear on what we wanted from a relationship. It was as simple as realising we were both keen for marriage and children really. But there was also a meeting of the minds when it came to our mutual interests. And values, our values were always fairly similar, which I knew to be extremely important.

But it’s only fair to say that we jumped into the deep end and didn’t really give ourselves a chance to hesitate. Met in August, moved in together in December, got engaged the following August, moved to another country the next January and married the following April. Then got pregnant in July. It was fast, yes, but I think that’s just how it was meant to be. I might not have been so certain of this early on in the relationship but looking back I can see just how right it all was. Not necessarily the moving overseas part, but that’s another story!

I don’t really know when I actually fell in love with him. I don’t think it was even ‘falling’; it was just love. Almost like I was in it the whole time but I needed time to realise it. Anyway, like all couples, we have our emotional mountains to climb; it is quite intense, our rapport, I think because we are both very passionate people.

Since the birth of the Dude in 2011, I don’t think we’ve been apart more than the odd night here or there. Maybe two nights once? And that was torture. The older the Dude gets, the more entwined we become as a family. The connection between our threesome (and soon to be foursome) is really intense. I think it’s probably on par with plenty of other families but what is particularly confronting for me is that I’ve never had this feeling about family before. Most of my family I don’t have much to do with, mainly because I have nothing in common with them and no real pull to them. There’s a detachment there, the opposite of attachment. In fact most family connections are pretty weird, squirm-worthy really. I never enjoyed cuddling any of my family members; I’d just endure it. I never knew what it was to enjoy a hug until I met my first long term boyfriend at age 21. I’d look forward to being with family, but within moments of being around them I’d be disillusioned, realising that these people, while they had some agreeable traits, did not feel ‘right’ to me. I didn’t want to be a part of whatever it was they had. I never enjoyed spending time with family to any great extent. Until I had my own, of course.

I’m thinking about all this stuff now because Mr C is away for two weeks. He’s due back in a few days and I am so glad of that. Two weeks has felt like an eternity. And it’s not because I’ve had to be the sole parent and that’s been really hard. It’s hard, but not unmanageable. It’s a fantastic feeling to love my husband as a man, a partner and a father to my children. It is the most fully-rounded, complete feeling I’ve ever known.

Starting a family, especially so soon after we met and married, has been stressful to say the least. Having children is stressful in general, let’s face it. And it’s been a massive learning curve for us, particularly because we were simultaneously learning about each other and how we relate. We’ve had some huge changes as well, with not only moving to Australia but feeling completely unsettled the whole time and moving interstate twice. We’ve renovated and sold a house, persevered through numerous bouts of stressful unemployment and problems with work, and now we’re having our second child. We have managed. And not just managed but actually come through it all much stronger than we ever were before.

I am missing Mr C like I’d miss a limb. The Dude is too, desperate to drive to the airport, suggesting daddy is about to walk through the door, that he’s ‘back now’. While the missing is painful, it’s also joyful; I am so grateful for it. I am grateful to feel so deeply, so genuinely about another person in the world. This is new for me and oh so profound.

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Author: curiosikat

Writer, editor, linguist, social historian...

3 thoughts on “The heart, it aches”

  1. There will be many more mountain to climb throughout your lives together but as long as you love each other things can be worked out. Mr C is on his way home to you tomorrow and is so looking forward to it. From the heart – we love you!

  2. You write so perfectly. I feel the same you do about family and my own little threesome. its amazing to just watch your husband love a child, a new kind of love only parents know about. I don’t think any other love compares. Being a parent is difficult , yes but its worth it, i know for sure! The first child is a learning experience. Our lives are a lot alike. I met my husband last summer, we got married in december and had my child in december not even a week after being married. although she’s not his, she is you know. It all went super fast for me as well and like you said its as if I’ve loved him the whole time and i just had to realize it. we moved for his job to ohio and so i know how lonely it can be i don’t really get to sleep with my husband cause he works graveyard shift and he will be in Chicago this week. so we are captain of the same boat. I hope you’re doing well and everything is great! you have a way of writing that actually allows us to feel like we (the readers) know you. i had to read more because I’m definitely a fan. 🙂

    1. Wow, I’m humbled by your lovely message, Sarah, thank you! Sounds like you have more absences to deal with than my two weeks without the man, I hope you have plenty of friends and family around to distract at least. 🙂 yes he is back and all is well – I must update more regularly, I think about it all the time but so rarely get the chance to sit and write. Thanks again for the compliments. I always feel as if I write too much and people must surely get bored, so it’s nice to know at least one person has enjoyed what I’ve written. 🙂

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